IF YOUR FIRST NEED IS FOR CERTAINTY

YOUR BELIEFS

I need to feel secure, safe, and comfortable, and I need to make sure that I will be secure, safe, and comfortable in the future. So avoiding pain is very important to me.  I can’t be happy when I’m uncertain about things.   

How this Belief Serves You

I avoid risks, and I carefully plan for the future.  I’m careful, and I take care of myself.  People know I  am predictable.  I know how to be organized.

The Principles You Lost Sight Of

The future is unpredictable; all we have is the present moment.  Where there is no risk, there is no gain. Thus, it is possible to be uncertain about the future yet happy in the present.   

The Consequences of Losing Sight of This Principle

I limit my new experiences.  I have trouble letting love flow when I don’t feel secure and comfortable. I have trouble involving myself with people for fear that they will cause me pain.  People sometimes think that I’m controlling.  I may seem unenthusiastic and even boring.  I am predictable at the cost of being spontaneous.

CHARACTER

Focus

I focus on stability, on habitual routines, and on preparing and saving for the future.  I prefer work that is stable and easy instead of work that is challenging and stretches my abilities.   

Energy

I put my energy into organizing a secure and comfortable environment.  I’m focused inwardly on evaluating my level of comfort discomfort.

Health

I like to take care of myself, but my need for comfort may lead me to overeat or drink.

What You Avoid

I tend to avoid new people and new experiences.  I avoid relationships where there is not a full commitment.  I avoid threats and hazards. This is because I fear not being in control.   

Strengths

I am organized, reliable, and dependable. As a result, I can create a home and work environment that is pleasing and where people can feel comfortable.

Communication Style

I often talk about my internal states, emphasizing whether I feel grounded, protected, and safe.   

Words that I frequently use are comfort, security, stability, and predictability.

Stress

I am stressed when something new is required of me when I don’t know what will happen next.  Changes in plans, even if there are new opportunities, stress me out. So I put pressure on myself to make sure I don’t feel insecure.   

Defensiveness

I get defensive when I’m required to change my habits or deal with new people and new situations. I can get angry when people challenge my need to feel comfortable and to have predictability in my life.

Emotions

I worry a great deal about the future.  I’m very sensitive to danger and experience fear easily.  I  sometimes envy people who have more money or a larger income than I do.


GROWTH AND BALANCE

Your Goal

My goal is to live in the present, to experience the moment without focusing on what will happen next and what the future might hold.  I need to take some risks to reap some benefits.  I need to accept that uncertainty and insecurity are a part of life.

What To Do

I need to stretch myself by learning new things and having new experiences.  Instead of fear and anxiety, I need to learn to experience excitement and joy.  I need to learn to enjoy a challenge.  I need to develop courage and to be able to act even when I feel insecure.  I need to get a reality check from others about my fears and concerns.     

What Interferes with Your Goal

My wish to feel comfortable and to plan for the future interferes with my goal.  I am overprotective and controlling.  I require too much certainty. As a result, I can be pessimistic about the future.   

How Others Can Support You in Your Goal

Others can support me by introducing me to new experiences and by encouraging more spontaneity and fun. In addition, they can counter my doubts and fears in realistic ways.

IF YOUR FIRST NEED IS FOR UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY

Your Beliefs

I believe that happiness comes from having many different experiences and challenges that exercise my emotional, intellectual or physical range.  My emotional well-being requires uncertainty, suspense, and surprise.  I need the excitement that comes from variety.

How This Belief Serves You

I have many interests.  People usually see me as entertaining, dynamic, interesting, and fun to be with. I can always find new things to do and new adventures.  I have many friends from different backgrounds.  I interact well with people of all ages and all walks of life.  I am trusting and think the best of people.  I’m not easily bored because I can always find something interesting to do.  I’m fun-loving and carefree.  I’m usually upbeat and I like to enjoy life to the fullest.

The Principles You Lost Sight Of

To have balance in life there are times where the priority is stability and responsibility in relationships.  Sometimes it’s necessary to focus on subjects and tasks that are not particularly interesting in order to obtain rewards later on.  You can’t always trust everyone.

The Consequences of Losing Sight of This Principle

People sometimes feel they can’t count on me, that I am uncommitted, unreliable, and don’t take care of my loved ones.  I can be involved in too many things at once and neglect what I need to do to make sure that I’m safe and comfortable.  I can get myself into dangerous or difficult situations physically, emotionally, and financially.  Sometimes I can be careless about things that I know are important to me and to others.  My trusting, optimistic nature makes it possible for people to take advantage of me.  Studying, memorizing, and sitting still can be difficult for me and may result in challenges in my career.  I can become unfocused.  

CHARACTER

Focus

I focus on seeking excitement and change.  My focus is on what is new and interesting or challenging. While involved in an adventure, I’m planning the next one.  I like suspense and exertion.

Energy

I’m energetic and need to focus my energy on several projects.  I’m focused outwardly on what there is to do next.  Whether I am a spectator or an active participant, I constantly seek stimulation and entertainment.

Health

I stay fit in order to be involved in all the activities that interest me.

What You Avoid

I avoid a life of habits and routines.  I don’t like to be involved in relationships that restrict me from new challenges and new experiences.  I avoid boredom.

Strengths

I’m enthusiastic, independent, and fun to be with.  I like to live so that there is never a dull moment.  I see the glass half full.  I’m a leader and I can be the life of the party.  I’m not afraid of taking risks.  I’m playful and optimistic.   

Communication Style

I like to talk about different projects and adventures.  I can be so enthusiastic in my conversation that I forget to listen to the other person or to ask their opinion.  Sometimes I become restless and need to stand up and walk around during a conversation.  Words that I frequently use are fear, instability, change, chaos, entertainment, suspense, exertion, surprise, conflict, and crisis.

Stress

I am stressed when I don’t have the time or the means to become involved in new challenges and adventures.  A routine life stresses me.  I’m upset if my physical condition prevents me from participating in activities I like.  Restrictions on my freedom are very stressful to me.   

Defensiveness

I get defensive when someone attempts to impose routines or schedules or to restrict my social life.  I can get angry when people criticize my desire for adventure and entertainment.   

Emotions

I like to feel excited, thrilled, exuberant, joyful, and adventurous.  I do everything possible to avoid boredom.  My ability to experience a broad range of emotions makes it easy for me to feel empathy towards others.  I know I can experience what they are experiencing.

GROWTH AND BALANCE

Your Goal

My goal is to be able to have roots, stability, and permanent relationships while still enjoying times of excitement and adventure.  Taking good care of myself and of others has to be more of a priority for me.  I need to be a better judge of character.  I need to live more in the present than in the future.   

What To Do

I need to focus more on the present and less on the next adventure in the future.  I need to create a stable, harmonious environment for myself and to develop long-lasting relationships.  I need to focus on activities that are not particularly exciting but that lead to important accomplishments in the future.

What Interferes With Your Goal

There is an infinite number of new, exciting experiences that are open to me.  It’s difficult to choose among them and it’s difficult to stay with what I need to focus on in the present.  Sometimes I focus too much on myself and what I want.  I can be easily distracted and diverted.   

How Others Can Support You in Your Goal

Others can support me by encouraging me and praising me when I stick to a task that is not particularly exciting and when I take steps towards taking care of myself and providing stability for myself and my loved ones.  People can help me to stay in the present.

IF YOUR FIRST NEED IS FOR SIGNIFICANCE

Your Beliefs

I believe that happiness comes from feeling respected and important.  I need to be considered unique and special.  I need people to look up to me and even fear me to a certain extent.

How This Belief Serves You

I work hard at being different, special, and unique.  I strive to be a leader.  I do whatever is necessary for people to look up to me, respect me and admire me.  I never want to be a follower.   

The Principles You Lost Sight Of

Sometimes love is more important than respect.  It’s difficult to love someone who has to feel important all the time.  Humility is an important virtue.  Being admired by many but loved by few may not be conducive to happiness.  “Heavy lies the head that bears the crown.” – Shakespeare –

The Consequences of Losing Sight of These Principles

People sometimes dislike me because they see me as arrogant and full of myself.  I have to constantly work at being respected and admired.  I have trouble letting love flow when I don’t feel important. People sometimes think that I consider myself superior to everyone.  I can come across as cold and uncaring.  I often find it difficult to have fun.  I can be seen as closed-minded.  I have trouble relating to others because I focus on differences rather than commonalities.  I’m overly concerned with hierarchical pecking orders.   

CHARACTER

Focus

I focus on what to do to appear special, different, and important.  I will do almost anything to preserve my uniqueness.  I focus on playing the part of someone very special.  I need to feel proud of myself. I have high standards and I live by them.  I evaluate myself as compared to others.  I need to be heard, and sometimes “heard” to me, means being obeyed.   

Energy

I constantly ask myself whether people respect me and admire me.  I’m watchful to correct any signs of lack of respect.  I need to feel that I make a difference in any situation.  I’m disciplined, competitive, and I can be a perfectionist.  

Health

If my sense of significance is tied to my appearance, endurance and strength, I will do whatever it takes to stay fit and healthy.  I may injure myself by overdoing it while exercising or practicing a sport.

What You Avoid

I avoid people who don’t admire me or treat me with respect.  I avoid situations where I can’t feel that I’m very important.  I don’t tolerate rejection.  I will do anything to avoid being overshadowed by others.  I hate losing face.   

Strengths

I work hard and strive to deserve the respect and admiration I crave.  I’m willing to take responsibility to the point of self-sacrifice.  I’m relentless in accomplishing my goals.  I’m a leader.  I stand up for what I believe in.  I’m not afraid of risk or confrontation.   

Communication Style

I often talk about my accomplishments, my sacrifices, my intelligence, my strengths, and my attractiveness.  I can be seen as overriding others’ views.  Some of the words that I frequently use are: pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline,  competition, and rejection.

Stress

I am stressed when I feel that I’m not living up to my standards.  Not being respected and heard stresses me out, as well as feeling that I’m not a leader.  I feel pressure to achieve prestige, power, and status.  I’m stressed from doing too much and from not being in touch with my values.   

Defensiveness

I get defensive at the slightest criticism and when people tell me what to do.  Anything that implies that I’m a follower, instead of a leader, puts me on the defensive.   

Emotions

I experience despair, anger, and rage when I’m not living up to my standards and not accomplishing my goals.  I can get angry when people disagree with my values, beliefs, and leadership. I can be impatient and irritable.   

GROWTH AND BALANCE

Your Goal

My goal is to be loved for who I am, not because of my accomplishments or because of the respect and admiration of others.  I need to learn to value love and connection more than respect and admiration.  I need to learn to be humble and practice patience.  I need to notice when my standards are too high.  I need to self-sacrifice less and love myself more.     

What To Do

I need to get involved in experiences where I won’t get any admiration or special respect.  I need to work less and love myself more.  I need to indulge in pleasurable experiences just for the sake of pleasure.  I need to relax.  I need to pay attention to feelings and relationships.   

What Interferes With Your Goal

My constant need to feel special, important, and a leader, interfere with my goal.  The high standards I hold myself to, and my willingness to sacrifice interfere with my goal.

How Others Can Support You in Your Goal

Others can help me with my goal by introducing me to interesting, challenging, or fun experiences at which I’m not an expert.  They can reassure me that they love me for who I am and not for my accomplishments.  They can remind me to slow down and encourage me to work less and play more.

IF YOUR FIRST NEED IS FOR LOVE/CONNECTION

Your Beliefs

In order to feel worthy I need to love and be loved.  I need to have meaningful connections with people.  If I’m not loved and I can’t give my love, I’m worthless.   

How This Belief Serves You

I’m kind and generous to those I love and I can be fiercely protective of them.  I’m nurturing and responsible.   

The Principles You Lost Sight Of

You must love yourself first.  You are not indispensable to others.  To be loved is not equal to being needed.  

The Consequences of Losing Sight of This Principle

In thinking of others first, I repress my own needs.  I can become intrusive.  Often I’m unable to say “no.”  Because by giving to others I expect to be loved, I’m often disappointed.  I’m often not aware of my own needs.  I can be intrusive without realizing it.

CHARACTER

Focus

My focus is on the relationships with those I love and on how to satisfy their needs.  I have great empathy for the feelings and emotions of others.  I expect to be loved in return.

Energy

My focus is on understanding others and meeting their needs.  I like to feel that I can help and I’m proud of being able to do so.  I need people’s approval and acceptance.  I have high energy when it comes to giving.  I crave romantic love.

Health

I may be so focused on taking care of others that I neglect my own health.

What You Avoid

I will do almost anything to avoid feeling dispensable.  I avoid disappointing others and feeling unappreciated.  It’s hard for me to tolerate rejection.

Strengths

I’m generous, sensitive, supportive, and helpful.  I relate well to people of all ages and all walks of life. I’m a good companion and listener.  I give good advice.  I give freely of my time, energy, and material possessions.  I empathize with suffering.  I have emotional depth.

Communication Style 

I am focused on others and I’m friendly and open.  I express myself well and I’m quick to give advice. I’m supportive.  Words that I frequently use are togetherness, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness, and desire.  Sometimes people experience me as emotionally intense.   

Stress

I am stressed when I’m not appreciated for all I give and when I’m not loved in return.  I’m also stressed when sometimes people perceive me as intrusive or controlling.  Feeling needed by so many people is stressful and my confusion about my own needs doesn’t help.  I invest too much in challenging relationships.  I sometimes envy what others have and what is not emotionally available to me.   

Defensiveness

I get defensive when people tell me how to live, especially when they insist I should give less to others.  I can get angry if I feel controlled and if people attribute bad intentions to me.  I can get enraged when people are cruel.  I can also become defensive when I feel misunderstood.   

Emotions

I worry a great deal about others.  I can easily attribute blame to myself and/or to others.  I  

sometimes experience resentment and I have angry outbursts when I don’t feel appreciated or I’m treated inconsiderately.  When I’m away from those I love, I feel great pain in missing them.  I often feel possessive about those I love.  I feel deeply and I’m idealistic.  I long for what is missing in my life. I can be very emotional and sink into depression.   

GROWTH AND BALANCE

Your Goal

I need to take care of myself better and be more aware of my own needs.  I need to feel that I can be loved for who I am, not for what I give.   

What To Do

I need to practice setting limits on what I give.  I need to develop clarity about my own needs and how to satisfy them.  I need to be sensitive to when I can be seen as intrusive or controlling.  I need to honor my feelings and my idealism.   

What Interferes With Your Goal

My need to help and to give to those I love interferes with my goal.  I often feel guilty when I pay attention to my own needs.  My feelings of pride for not paying attention to my needs interfere with my goal, as does my fear of being selfish.  I have difficulty in asking for anything and in receiving from others.  I believe that I am loved based on what I give.

How Others Can Support You In Your Goal

Others can model on my independence instead of becoming dependent on what I give.  Others could ask me about my needs and pay attention to them.  Give me an appreciation for what I give and also appreciate whenever I say “no.”  People could focus on understanding me instead of trying to change me.

IF YOUR FIRST NEED IS FOR GROWTH     

Your Beliefs

I need to constantly develop new skills, learn new things, and improve at what I already know.  I have to develop myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and/or spiritually.  I need to be constantly growing.

How This Belief Serves You

There is always a new challenge and something new to learn.  I’m not dependent on others in order to find joy in learning.  I’m self sufficient and active in my pursuits.  I’m not attached to material possessions.  It’s not about what I have; it’s about what I know and what I’m able to do.

The Principles You Lost Sight Of

Connecting and giving to others can be more fulfilling than acquiring new knowledge and skills. There can be more pleasure in sharing than in accumulating.

The Consequences of Losing Sight Of This Principle

I can be seen as reserved and unwilling to share.  I can become detached and overly private.  I tend to undervalue relationships.

CHARACTER

Focus

I focus on learning, studying, developing my skills, and being the best I could possibly be.

Energy

I conserve my energy and focus away from feelings in order to learn everything there is to be learned. I am self-contained and I set careful limits to protect my time and privacy.

Health

If my need to grow is tied to developing physically, I will do whatever is necessary to stay healthy and fit.

What You Avoid

I will do anything to avoid feeling inadequate or drained.  I avoid demands and intrusions on the privacy that allows me to focus on my own personal growth.

Strengths

I’m respectful of others.  I’m thoughtful, calm, and dependable.  I like to think that I’m a model of self-improvement for others.

Communication Style

Because I like to focus on content and facts, people might see me as distant.  Words that I use frequently are: I, me, my self, know, learn, grow, develop, understand, analyze, accomplish, goals. 

Stress

I’m stressed when I feel tired or dependent on others.  Intrusions on my privacy are stressful to me.

Defensiveness

I become defensive when there are intrusions or limitations on what I want to do.  I can become angry when people interfere with my need for privacy.

Emotions

I’m careful when expressing emotions but I can have outbursts of temper when I feel intruded upon.

GROWTH AND BALANCE

Your Goal

My goal is to be able to pursue my growth while enjoying relationships and connections with people.  I need to be able to experience joy and pleasure in many ways, not just by learning.

What To Do

I need to find balance in life by focusing more on others, rather than on my own growth and development.  I need to experience pleasure in giving, to be less reserved, and give priority to love and relationships.  I need to take better care of those I love.

What Interferes With Your Goal

The belief that I’m not worthy if I don’t constantly improve myself.  The importance that I give to privacy interferes with my goal.  I need to recognize that I can appear self-centered.   

How Others Can Support You In Your Goal

Others can appreciate my ability to be self-sufficient and independent as well as my willingness to live and let live, while at the same time encouraging me to be more social and loving.

IF YOUR FIRST NEED IS FOR CONTRIBUTION

Your Beliefs

Life is incomplete without the sense that one is making a contribution to others or to a cause.  I have to go beyond my own needs and give to others.  I want to give back and leave a mark on the world.   

How This Belief Serves You

By focusing on something beyond myself, most of my problems and sources of pain become less significant.  I get certainty because I know that there is always a way to contribute.  I have variety because there are many different ways of making a contribution.  I have significance because I know I am helping others.  The spiritual bond that develops by helping others gives me a sense of connection.  I grow and develop by helping others.   

The Principles You Lost Sight Of

I lose sight of the fact that charity begins at home.  I care for so many people or for such an important cause that I sometimes neglect taking care of myself and my loved ones.

The Consequences of Losing Sight of These Principles

A consequence is that my physical, emotional or spiritual health may suffer.  I sometimes neglect my personal relationships and people can become resentful of the time and energy I put into a cause.

CHARACTER

Focus

My focus is on the world, a cause, how to help others, how to contribute.

Energy

I’m energetic and focused outwardly to the point that I can exhaust myself.

Health

I would like to stay healthy, but my need to contribute may drive me to neglect myself and my health.

What You Avoid

I avoid being weak, dependent, and powerless.  I don’t want to lose the respect of the people I care about.

Strengths

I’m brave, persistent, generous, and assertive.

Communication Style

I’m energetic and firm but can be seen as controlling and disregarding others’ opinions. Words that I use frequently are ideals, justice, the cause, fairness, compassion, and giving.   

Stress

I can over-exert myself and suffer from fatigue.  Injustice stresses me.  It’s difficult for me to restrain myself from being confrontational in the face of unfairness or injustice.

Defensiveness

I become defensive with people who try to control me and with people that are deceitful.  I’m defensive when people are indifferent to important causes and ideals.

Emotions

I’m enthusiastic and outgoing but I can become angry and confrontational.

GROWTH AND BALANCE

Your Goal

My goal is to find a balance between taking care of myself, my loved ones, and my need to contribute to the larger good.   

What I Need To Do

I need to notice that I can come across as too intense.  I need to take care of myself.  I need to take care of my relationships.   

What Interferes With Your Goal

Contribution satisfies all my needs at such a high level that I often ignore my own needs and neglect myself and others.  My lifestyle can lead to exhaustion.  My need to always be strong and deny my vulnerability interferes with my goal.

How Others Can Support You in Your Goal

Others can encourage me to take care of myself and to express my vulnerabilities.  They can stand their ground in expressing what they need from me in terms of attention and energy.